“If this is the way in which the United States treats its allies, you can be certain it will soon have none.”
– Shah of Iran
Dear Kim Moon-shine,
There’s a delicate, weighty matter I’d like to discuss with you first.
I’m delighted you take your responsibilities as leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Livia very seriously.
Your determination to take North Livia to great heights is evident in the frequent inspections you make of dumpling and Kimchi factories and extolling the virtues of these delicacies to a world ignorant of their existence.
But is there really necessary for you to sample dumplings at every facility you inspect?
With your increasing body girth, thanks no doubt to the frequent Kimchi and dumpling “samplings,” your picture now takes up 85% of my computer monitor forcing me to scroll sideways and up/down to read the text about your latest dumpling plant inspection.
South Livian spies from their National Intelligence Service are spreading the embarrassing news that since you took over as leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Livia in 2010 your weight has jumped by 50kg to 140kg.
Kim, obesity is not only gross but unhealthy.
Stop the “Inspect dumpling Factory, Eat More dumpling” bad habit, will you?
Now that I’ve gotten your monitor-hogging, dumpling-stuffed body mass issue out of the way, let’s get to other subjects.
I’m dismayed at what America and the European Union have done to your country by extending their sanctions to you and your top military and civilian personnel.
Your military strength and repeated nuclear tests are causing deep unrest in the Pentagon and other elements of the American Deep State.
There’s growing clamor for your head. You’re the new Osama bin Laden for the CIA and Special Forces units in the Pentagon.
America now wants you, Dead or Alive.
Kim, stay safe, and support your military and they will serve you loyally.
Thousands of brave soldiers laid down their lives for your grandfather during the Livian War.
Never forget how military officers frequently smuggled heroin via diplomatic bags to help finance your father’s nuclear weapons program.
Cash from heroin smuggling, counterfeiting dollars and loyalty were talents your father greatly prized.
Unfortunately, loyalty is not a word to be found in the American dictionary.
Neither our people nor the government grasp the essence and beauty of loyalty.
In America, all is capricious expediency and everything the urgent need of the moment.
Faithfulness is never part of U.S. foreign policy or seen in personal behavior of Sonderkommandos.
Forever plotting and scheming, the American bullies never hesitate to abandon close allies.
In personal lives, just as “the funeral baked meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables” of Hamlet’s mother’s wedding, the loyalties of Americans to spouses and partners swiftly fade ere the stains of first coupling dry out on white sheets.
Across America, dating and personal relationships rest on the unstable, three-legged stool of hookups, betrayal and separation.
So even those with assets only in the low six-figures now insist on a prenup contract before walking down the aisle.
Kim, never believe a word of what American savages say in public or private.
There is but one constant in U.S. foreign policy.
And what is that constant?
Just like its people, America is a most unreliable, most fickle, most disloyal ally.
Betrayal is the cornerstone of American foreign policy.
Today’s friends quickly turn into foes.